Wow, can’t believe I’m doing this. I’ve decided to speak out TRUTHFULLY about my past, because I’ve only spoke about parts of it, but I haven’t told the whole story..
And maybe no one will even see this, but I’m sharing it anyway, because up until now I’ve kept it all buried down, hidden in my basement of my shameful secrets.
I did share about my sleeping around in my younger years, but what I didn’t mention was that I used to cheat on my partner so much, that I actually lost count of the many times.
But what’s worse, is that at the ages of 16 and 17, I became pregnant, and had an abortion on both occasions.
During the first pregnancy at the age of 16, after a lot of deliberation, we planned to go ahead and have the baby. However, within the next few weeks, it transpired that my partner was talking to other girls online and wanting to meet them.
In a state of anger, sadness and resentment, I decided to have an abortion, and had the baby aborted. Now looking back, I see that aborting my child, or basically cutting off his or her life, was completely unjustified. I was very unaware at the time of what I was actually doing, and naively, also quite ignorantly, I thought it was the best thing to do, and that everyone else was doing it anyway. I didn’t want to bring my baby up as a single parent, and felt I could not manage alone. But now I see that they were all lies that I told myself, to feel valid in my excuses for causing death to another human being.
So we went ahead. I remember feeling many emotions at the time, but I still didn’t realise the depravity of the action that I took, and how it would affect the rest of my life, along with the spirit life of my child (which can be spoke about at another time).
And for the next year, my partner and I had an on-off relationship. A lot of alcohol and drugs were involved, and this is when I began sleeping around.
At 17, due to my blatant disregard of the circumstances of sleeping around with no contraception, and due to disrespecting myself and not acknowledging my first terminated child, I fell pregnant again.
I struggle to remember this period of my life; I believed I shut it down due to not wanting to feel the shame, because the child’s father was between 2 boys. I say boys because they were still under or around 20, so hadn’t progressed into men at that time.
I do know that I quickly made a decision, and I went ahead with another abortion.
As I say, I believe I shut down my emotions at the time, because I don’t remember feeling much of anything. I remember the first abortion much more vividly than the second.
I made both boys aware at the time.
And so I continued on with my life, still partying, drinking, taking drugs and sleeping around.
And all the while, living with this deeply buried shame and guilt, for taking away 2 precious lives. 2 lives that were given to me by God, but that had no opportunity to ever see and live in this physical world. 2 lives that was so violently zapped away, causing pain (physically and emotionally), and rejection, to the little souls that wanted to incarnate within me.
The reason I’m sharing this is because I want to FEEL in totality the profundity of the sin, the pain and all of the effects that I have caused. I want to take responsibility for my actions.
And I’m not quite there yet, but I believe that this is the start of my journey of repentance, and hopefully, forgiveness.
I have kept this story mostly hidden throughout most of my life, and I want to honour those little lives that I so ungracefully allowed to be taken from this earth.
And if you are affected by any of this, or have had similar circumstances, please know that this is my own personal experience, and I do not judge anyone who has undergone this themselves. We are all on our own journey of self-discovery and awareness. What is important is how we learn and grow and come to understand the impact of our actions.
And I appreciate that some, or many, may find judgement towards me for my actions, and you of course have the free will of your own thoughts and opinions.
Thank you for reading,
Jaqui
If you or someone you know needs help in this area, here is a great website which offers free support – https://pregnancycrisishelpline.org.uk
If you would like to speak with me after reading this, whether it be about an abortion or anything else, please feel free to contact me.
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