I’m very glad to say I’m back home after travelling solo for 5 months!
India ➡️ Thailand ➡️ Philippines ➡️ Bali ➡️ Oz
India and Thailand were incredible. I had amazing experiences and met such beautiful people. I felt alive and free. I felt meaning from daily life, and from the content I was creating in my online work. I felt enthusiastic, and allowed myself to relish in the unknown.
But what started as a magical, fun adventure unfortunately turned downhill after my mindset had morphed from freedom to scarcity.
After arriving in the Philippines, things took a turn. I was caught in a cyclone and survival mode kicked in.. and I stopped seeing the beauty outside of me. I got tired of constantly moving around.
Instead of exploring, I stayed in my hotel room for 1 week. I just wanted to feel safe and settled; and at that point I didn’t care if I was missing out. Instead, I chose to work on my yoga business with writing and creating content.
I was ready to move on. I could’ve gone straight to Oz at this point, but Bali was so close. I’d heard a lot about it and was skeptical, but something in me felt at urge to book a flight, so I did.
Yes, there is beauty to be seen. But the beauty has been damaged by too many tourists. Too many “healers” and too many offerings promising to remove vulnerable people from their pain. Too many rice fields being demolished and replaced by luxury spa or spiritual healing centres.
And it’s like the further I travelled, the less I could appreciate the outside world. I visited beautiful, magical places. I stayed by a pristine lake beneath the mountains and even hiked up one, but the enjoyment just wasn’t there. I even had the famous Bali water purification ritual (Melukat), but if anything, it only brought me deeper into spirals of despair, unhappiness, loneliness.
I stopped posting meaningful content. I distanced myself away from all that I knew. I stopped writing. My mind took over – worries about the future, and feeling that I hadn’t made anything of myself – that it was all a wasted effort.
Of course travelling solo didn’t help. I didn’t feel that I had an outlet to hear and hold what my inner world needed to say.
No matter what I saw around me, I felt numb. My usual sense happiness seemed to have left me. Sometimes it would come back briefly, only to leave again, and I’d be left feeling despair.
I had an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I realised that I hadn’t found what I’d been looking for. I thought I’d find something while travelling. I thought I’d finally find my way to becoming successful. I thought I’d feel free forever.
My lesson still hadn’t been realised..
I cried most days, sobbing for what felt like hours.. I stopped contacting friends or family as much, I didn’t feel that I could reach out. I didn’t want to burden anyone with my own emotions.
I felt erratic some days and reality felt strange.. kind of fluid-like.. unreal. I seemed to have forgotten and disregarded all of the tools I’d previously used and taught to regulate my nervous system. Instead, I binge watched videos that gave me hope. But the dopamine-hit didn’t last long.
At this point I really wanted to come home. But I was only a few hours away from Oz. I actually had a 1yr working visa, and the whole goal was the reach Australia and work there for at least a year.
I decided to book the flight, thinking that surely once arriving in a country that speaks my language, that is perhaps more civilised and clean, that I’d feel better.
I felt better for a day or so, and then the despair came in again. “What now? Do I try to get a job?” It’s so much more expensive in Australia, so the fear of scarcity was at the forefront of my mind. I had some good experiences and met some lovely people, but I was still feeling called to go home. Especially after I tried 2 different jobs which failed hideously 🙈 (I’ll save those stories for another time 🤣)
After 5 months/23 weeks of travelling, I gave in to my ego (with the help of a good friend). I succumbed to the fact that travelling wasn’t working for me. It was OK to give in; to know that it didn’t work out as planned. I didn’t want to remain like a butterfly (as my nan calls me), fluttering around on a constant hunt from one place to the next.. always thinking that this next place/experience would be better.. or that I would be happier.
My whole mindset was to allow the Universe to guide me. And it surely did just that! I ended up at such a low place that I was forced to actually LOOK at what my true intentions really were.. which unravelled as I started seeing where my values had been so distorted for so long.
Values in family, relationship, service, home, and so much more.
I flew 10,000 miles away from home to realise I already had what I needed. Happiness. Love. Connection. Family. Security.
So I made the decision to return.
And what did I learn?
Happiness cannot be found in the outside world. And the grass isn’t always greener. I learned to pay attention to what I already have. It’s all here and always has been. No need to chase for external glitter and gold – the true treasure lies in the daily reality of what I already have, and what I feel inspired and excited to do. Also – to release the need of needing to do everything alone, and to share my time and space more with others. I ended up cocooning myself into a spiritual bubble which left me feeling disconnected and cut-off. I even became deluded for some time while in this spiritual bubble.. something which I may speak on another time. The “spiritual ego” is real, and can be dangerous!
There may be future travels, but next time I won’t be travelling to find happiness, I’ll be travelling to express the innate happiness that is already mine.
If your eyes have made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read my little story. I appreciate you 🧡
Be well,
Jaqui x
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