During my childhood, I remember enjoying dance and movement. It felt fun and exhilarating to dance, although I didn’t do it often.
I did join a flag dancing group until the age of around 12, and after that I pretty much stopped dancing and any kind of bodily movement. It’s just not the norm to dance and move the body, especially for adults, I thought. If I saw a child dancing around and playing, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but a mid-teen or a grown up? That would just be weird, right?
So I kept myself rigid and straight, like most of us do. The thought of dancing around or moving my body in a different type of way in front of others would be too scary. People would think I’m weird, or a bad dancer. And I didn’t want to be seen, so I definitely wouldn’t want to draw attention to myself. I’d go to the gym and exercise, but that was still structured in a regimented way. No expressive movements, which is how I liked it. And because I was used to this rigidity, the thought never came to me to dance when alone at home. I never saw it as a fun or significant thing to do. Unless of course I was out partying in my later teens, which interestingly is when I wanted everyone to SEE me more than ever, with my fake sense of confidence 😆
So the years continued and I stayed mostly rigid apart from my drunken nights out (which were not me authentically expressing myself; as the intention was to gain ATTENTION).
As I grew into my late twenties, once venturing into spirituality here and there, I would attend the odd retreat/workshop/yoga class. This is going to sound absurd, but I remember seeing girls simply just stretch their bodies in their own way, and I would have this opposing thought.. something like “how can she have the nerve move her body like that?”, or “she’s just doing it for attention”. At the time I did not realise, that I was projecting my own insecurities upon them. I did not even feel safe enough to stretch my body in my own way, let alone to dance! And to see other girls do this triggered something in me. It made me feel jealous, to think that they had the confidence and I didn’t. Being brutally honest here!
Moving into my yoga teacher training in India in Dec 22 – Jan 23, I was still very insecure. And to my despair, there were various ceremonies and parties in which everyone would dance. I wanted the ground to swallow me up every time! It was difficult, because I didn’t want to be seen as the odd one out from being the only one not dancing, but I also didn’t want people to see me dance. And I didn’t feel safe in my body to move expressively. I was a 2-step, click your fingers type of girl. So that’s pretty much what I did, while feeling the absolute discomfort, pretending to be happy, but all the while wanting to run away and hide.
Well, it’s been just over 2 years since that yoga training, and it’s been a wild ride of transformation.
In August of 2022, I went to a festival in the UK (alone, as my friend was unwell and couldn’t come), and I had such a great time. I made 2 friends which I still see today, but the most significant thing was that I attended my first ever ecstatic dance event.
I had never heard of ecstatic dance before, and the term didn’t greatly interest me, but I went along anyway. The music pulled me in and kept me there. People around me were moving in their own way, and I felt an impulse within my body. My body wanted to move. I tentatively began to move, just with a sway of the hips, not wanting to make any rash or risque moves, to avoid being noticed and potentially ridiculed. But as the music continued and the sounds permeated into my body, I began to let go. I stopped resisting, and started dancing. I let why body finally move how it wanted to move, and I felt the aliveness shimmer and expand into my blood and bones. The fearful Jaqui took a back seat. But she was still there, in the distance.. still watching my every move, making sure I didn’t do anything out of line or fall flat on my face. I felt her there, but I carried on anyway. And I loved it. I felt so free and alive.
Following on from that event, I started to attend other ecstatic dance events with one of the girls I’d met at the festival. It’s like the more I danced, the more bodily moves would open up to me. Like as if new pathways were opening up that I’d never noticed before. I let my body move ME, rather than me move IT. The ecstasy that naturally comes from allowing your body to fully move is like no man-made drug on earth.
And now I dance every day, normally a few times a day, especially in the morning. It feels me up with good energy like nothing else. And I don’t do it because I think I should or that it’s good for me, I just do it. My body craves it. Sometimes I cannot get enough, and I could dance for hours if I really let-loose! Dance for me = FREEDOM. Freedom from the mind, and from low or negative energies.
I strongly believe that the more we dance and express the body, the more we free the mind – because the body and mind are inter-connected. When we are rigid in the body, we remain rigid in the mind, so life is then rigid. Everything is in a box. A rule. White or black, with no alternatives. We stay in the box, believing that this is our home, when really it’s a prison cell keeping us locked away from a life of true freedom, fun and fulfilment.
When we dance, we are communicating with our body.. we are building a relationship, by telling the body that it is safe to move, to express, to be free. And at the same time we are releasing stagnant and stuck energies.
There is no right or wrong way to dance. Your dance is your own expression. Own it, play around with it. Be childlike.
When I dance, I feel like the Universe dances with me.. like the Universe enjoys to see my happy and expressive.. so it blesses me with feelings of joy, ecstasy and love.
Nowadays if I dance out in public, I don’t care who sees me. People can look if they wish, and that’s not my concern. My hope to give others the courage to express themselves through dance or any other form of expression, to truly FEEL and LIVE the magic of life.
That’s why I have arranged an ecstatic dance event in Essex, with my lovely friend Dom. 10th May. I hope to see you there.
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