Since I started meditating a few years ago, I’ve gone through different circumstances which revealed to me what I’m still clinging on to; a warped persona, a limited mindset, and patterns or habits that I use as coping mechanisms.
Becoming still and turning inwards, during both meditation and yoga, has allowed me to connect with myself on a deeper level. I notice the subtleties, the gut feelings, and feel much more in-tune with my intuition.
Following my intuition and inner guidance, I have attended retreats with the intention of getting to the root of the limits and restrictions that I’ve placed upon myself. I know deep down that I’m still not expressing myself with full authenticity. Inside I am frightened of what the world may think of me. What if I’m judged negatively and thrown out of the ‘tribe’? If I follow the fear all the way to it’s root, it’s inherently a fear of death that I am resisting. Going back to ancient history, or even before then, it was imperative for humans to be accepted within a tribe for safety. If they were cast out of the group or seen to be as separate or different, they could face death or persecution.
But on the surface level, it’s not the actual possibility of death that I’m resisting, it’s the FEAR of judgement. I don’t want to feel the FEAR itself. This is actually very common in humans. We don’t want to feel the fear of feeling our emotions, so we do everything we can to minimise this, usually by adopting destructive habits such as drinking alcohol, overeating, overworking, gambling, etc. We would much rather distract ourselves in any way possible, rather than feeling into the fear of the emotion, let alone feeling the actual emotion itself.
The irony is that when we actually allow ourselves to fully feel our emotions, we release them into the ether, and they no longer have a hold over us. The meaning of the word ’emotion’ is ‘energy-in-motion’. Simply put, emotion is energy within our body, which is fluid and can move. We have the power to release these emotions. The problem is that most people are not aware of this, and rather than moving towards the emotion, they do everything possible to stay distant from it, which can cause physical illness within the body, because the emotion, or energy, is trapped.
During the last few years I have attended retreats or used different mentors to help me understand more about myself. I have come to the conclusion that due to different occurrences in my past, I created a false belief that I am not worthy of love. From this, I closed off my heart to the world, in the fear that if I opened my heart and got rejected, I would have to feel that deep emotion of rejection and unworthiness. So, it would be safer to stay closed off from others, keep everyone at arms-length, to ensure I wouldn’t get hurt.
Looking back I can clearly see where I have closed myself off to others. I have missed out on so many opportunities. This fear has been running my life for over 20 years!
The good part though is that I now have the awareness of my patterns. And with awareness brings wisdom. I can see myself from a different point of view. So now, any chance that I get, I am opening my heart and showing myself to the world, as I am. And yes, I may get rejected. But I know my worth so I won’t let this hinder me. It’s taken me a while to get to this point, but I’m glad I’m finally here; I can finally say that I like who I am. I embrace myself fully.
So this is a reminder to you. Check in with your emotions and patterns. They are there to tell you something. Where are you limiting yourself or hiding yourself away? And try not to run away from the bad feelings. They need to be felt to be released, so we can transition back to who we really are.
