I notice how I measure everything that I do. Everything..
“Am I aligning with the truth or not? When am I in my unconscious addictions? How am I interacting with others? What thoughts do I think? How do I judge myself? How do I judge others? And am I justified or not with my judgements? What do I do on a daily basis? Where am I wasting time and energy? Where could I do or be more? Where do I keep myself and my heart closed? Where have I been irresponsible, or just ignorant to life, and ignorant to the truth? Where do I distract myself? Where am I more in my head than the present moment, and how does this affect my perception? Where do I lie to myself? Where do I avoid feeling emotions?”
I’ve realised today that in doing all of this, I’m judging myself, which is taking me into a negative spiral. And when I’m caught it that spiral, it makes me want to give everything up. So what’s the way forward? Because I believe this mindset could be taking me down the wrong paths – where I feel I NEED to be doing something just to feel I’m achieving something!
And also, I notice how I want to learn how to be a civilised human and live gracefully on earth, without sin and all that, but is this mainly so that I can’t judge myself?? Is this ALL to avoid the pain of self-judgement? Is it so that I can say that I’m a civilised human being (whatever that is!), so that I can obey the laws like a good girl? That’s what I’ve always done – tried to be the “good” one – the right one – never wanting to mess up or make a mistake – to avoid judgement..
AHA!! I’ve caught myself out! (I was crying with some relief at this point)..
I don’t need to be prim, proper, or right!! I can be messy, uncertain, greedy, lazy, sad or angry (within reason, of course!)
I CAN BE IT ALL!!!|
And what a f***ing relief that is!!
The gridded cubes represent cages that I keep myself blocked within – holding onto my judgements and trying to find meaning in everything., keeping me imprisoned in my own mind.
But now the cages are being vacuumed up into a fire-fuelled vortex, and transmuted into a vast open blue sky among an abundance of flowing hills, with birds flying in the sky, depicting my freedom as I choose to move out of this space of judgement, and into openness and expansion.